I guess the best way to talk about the birth, is to first tell you what I wanted out of my birth experience. I really wanted a non-medicated, little to no intervention, natural birth. To me this meant I wore my own clothes, listened to my music, was mobile the whole time, I wanted to do hydrotherapy, and most importantly I wanted to do it with no medication, and no unnecessary interventions. I wanted immediate contact, belly to breast. I wanted her to only be taken once we'd had a chance to bond. I specifically switched practices mid pregnancy to have a team who could understand these wants.
By now me and my husband are playing Scrabble and listening to Fallout Radio. Then I decide I need to pee, so I get up and get ready to push my pole with me when suddenly, a gush of water splashes to the floor. My water had broke! So I go pee and when I get back it's pretty much on. I started by rotating my hips on the birthing ball while my husband rubbed my back. The rest is a blur. But I know I'm feeling a lot of pressure to push and I'm convinced I just need to go poop. I tell my midwife I just need to go poop or push or something. She told me it's normal and asked if I wanted an exam to check my dialation. It's hard since my contractions are a minute and a half long with almost no rest. I'm just breathing through them. My midwife reminds me to not close my eyes, so I don't internalize the pain, to instead find something to fix my eyes on. I chose the tiny weird triangle pieces in the ceiling.
I'm now on my back, I've got checked, I'm 8-9cm dilated. The external monitors aren't working anymore, so I get some internal monitors. They sound weird, but when they explained it to me, it wasn't so bad. The one monitoring baby gets inserted in the top of her skull, it's not painful to her, and it's more accurate. The other is to monitor my contractions and it just slides next to baby. That one was more painful to get put in but not horrible just like a pinching sensation in your vagina.
At this point my story is hard to pin point exactly what sequence things go down, of course if you've ever given birth you'll know what I mean. It's a lot going on and not a lot of time to think it over, because when it's done you now have a tiny baby to hold. Like at some point the baby's monitor gets pulled out and we have to place it back in. I can't remember when it happened though.
So at some point they asked me if I wanted a peanut ball and I'm like heck yes. Well, I can barely even flip to use it, but I get there. With the help of my midwife, nurse, and husband, I flip on all fours and lean over the ball. My husband is holding my hands from over my shoulders, which was honestly exactly what I needed. I'm pushing at this point. I can't not. It's like everything in my body is screaming to bear down and push this baby out. I'm not even trying I'm just pushing. The sounds that came out of my mouth can only be explained as primal. Unfortunately with each push I'm unable to follow it through. Each time my midwife tells me to follow them through not to stop, but I can't for some reason, it's not that it hurts too much or that I'm scared. But I felt like I couldn't, I even said 'I can't do this'.
Now at some point I get flipped onto my back I can't remember if it's because the monitor came out or if it's because of what happened next.
So now all I hear is my nurse scream 'All hands on deck.' I remember looking at my husband terrified and all I could do was apologize that I couldn't do it right and something about me failing. They start to whisk me away, I'm asking if my baby is okay, no one is talking to me. I'm alone, on this bed, they are running me through the halls to what I assume will be an OR. We go to turn a corner and my bed slams into a wall. The nurse curses that they can't have a single working bed. They apologize but I say it's okay I needed it to calm myself down.
I'm panicking. I'm starting to freak out, I'm now in a bright room with tons of people moving about frantically. There is a team moving me from one bed to the next. I keep asking if my baby is still alive, if my husband is gonna be there. I'm alone. They keep telling me it's okay and shoving a mask in my face to get me oxygen. I can't steady myself to even breathe. I feel like I need to push but no one is telling me anything, I don't know if I should, I try asking, nothing. I need something to hold on to, any information that will make this okay. I finally see my nurse and she tries to tell me it's all okay. And I remember looking her in the eyes and saying "please don't leave me."
Next thing they are telling me is to breathe into a different mask, this one is intended to put me to sleep. I then remember waking up to my baby being put into my arms. She was already bundled up and I missed out on her first breath, her first cry, our belly to breast moment. I felt like everything I wanted from my birth experience had been ripped from me.
What had happened was my babies heart rate had plummeted. I needed an emergency C-section. My plan stated I wanted my husband to do skin to skin in case I couldn't, but instead they didn't even bring him into the room. Apparently without pain medicine I had to be knocked out for the procedure. So he never left the birthing room, nobody came back to tell him anything. As far as he knew he was going to leave the hospital a widower and without a baby. I was out for an hour or so. He didn't even see the baby until I came back with her in my arms. The whole labor and delivery only lasted about 5 hours.
The one nice thing is that someone came back for my phone to get pictures of her while I was out. So I may have missed all these moments, but I got to have them on my phone forever. With my baby finally in my arms, I was okay. Juniper Erin was born at 10pm on November 11, 2021. She was a big 9lbs 2.8oz and 21 inches. Despite the traumatic entrance into this world she was perfect.
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