The Challenge of Breastfeeding

All I ever wanted was to breastfeed my baby. I wanted to give her ever possible advantage no matter how small. However the complications started in the hospital. I was slow to get my milk which is possibly due to the traumatic cesarian. I also had trouble getting her to latch on my right boob from the very beginning. I saw lactation consultants while I was still in the hospital and I thought I had it. When June was almost a month old I noticed how small she looked and soon realized she wasn't actually gaining weight she was losing it. I hadn't been producing enough milk to fill her up and it may have been a result of poor latching. 

When we saw her pediatrician they had me start supplementing with formula again and I started to pumping constantly. It's like all I did was feed her and pump. I saw another lactation consultant who told me I'd never be able to be her sole source of nutrition which hurt me so much. I had so badly wanted to do it, to be a natural mom and not give into all the easy thingsour society has created for birth and for feeding. It may sound silly but giving birth without drugs and feeding my baby from milk my body has created for her just felt like the way I wanted to do motherhood. It was already unfair to me that I needed a cesarian and now I couldn't even feed my baby. 

After 3 months of trying to do everything to increase my milk supply and to make breastfeeding at least worth it, I stopped. I was so stressed all the time. I was trying to make sure I had enough food and water at all times to produce, I was trying to make sure my baby was fed and changed, and I was also having to take my blood pressure 3 times a day from when I had postpartum preeclampsia. I was just so overwhelmed and didn't even have time to spend with my baby. 

Honestly I don't know if I regret quitting or not. Some days I do regret it more than others but I don't think I would have been able to bond with June the way I have if I hadn't quit. By 3 months I was only getting about 6oz of milk a day and I pumped so much. So her main nutrition was already formula. Then of course a few days after I was dried up the Formula Shortage starts. So of course I regret quitting for that reason. What I also go back on is I can always try again with my next baby. I may not have successfully fed June but that doesn't mean I will never be successful.